Passion as the Cure

How Our Passions are an Antidote to Loneliness

Illustration by Mihajlo Stojanovic

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. You need one because you are human.” — Jane Howard

When Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy went on a cross-country listening tour in 2014, he sensed something was amiss. Wanting to understand the most pressing health issues facing Americans, he expected to focus on physical health. What he discovered surprised him: the primary issue reported by all ages and backgrounds had little to do with our bodies. It was loneliness.

Over and over, as people told him, “I feel like I have to shoulder all of these burdens by myself,” and “I feel if I disappear tomorrow, no one would even notice,” he realized something was deeply wrong. Recognizing the severity of the problem, he declared a Loneliness Epidemic in the United States. This pervasive sense of isolation, affecting about one in two adults isn't just an inconvenience, he says. It's a serious public health crisis.

“Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling,” he wrote in his 2023 advisory report. “It harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.”

You may be wondering why I’m talking about the Loneliness Epidemic in a newsletter about passion. Let me explain.

I started On Fire late last year as a chance to connect with other passionate people and discover what drives them. I’m especially interested in what keeps people engaged in their passions long-term. Since then, I’ve published nearly three dozen profiles of super passionate people (and interviewed many more) across various fields—from psychologists and sewists to non-conformists and bean enthusiasts.

What I’ve discovered is this: people fall in love with their passions for many reasons. A major one is the human inclination to learn and grow, as Self-Determination Theory explains. This theory suggests that humans are naturally driven to develop their skills and knowledge because it fulfills three innate psychological needs: autonomy (the need to feel in control of their actions), competence (the need to master tasks), and relatedness (the need to connect with others). And then there is the flow state that passions can induce, where time disappears, our skills and abilities shine, and everything feels right with the world.

Our passions change us. They help us grow and add energy to our lives. And yet in my interviews with the world’s most passionate people—from José Vadí and his passion for skateboarding, to Gail Alexander and her love for dragon boating, and Matt Conwell and his love for gaming—these aspects come secondary.

What truly keeps them coming back to their passions year after year, decade after decade? The community their passions help them find.

“All my friends are becoming pickleball players,” Steve Paranto told me in our interview. “If they don't play pickleball, I feel sorry for them because everybody else is talking about their new paddle or the new top spin roller they're working on, and the non-pickleball people don’t know what we’re talking about.”

David Easterbrook echoed this sentiment: “Almost all of my friends are bonsai people. My doctor is a bonsai person, my dentist is a bonsai person, and my former accountant was a bonsai person. Almost everybody I know are bonsai people.”

Ross Hatton shared a similar perspective about his love for robotics: “If I was just going to sit on my own and do it… what’s the point? But if I can find other fun people and work with them… that’s what makes this all worthwhile.”

Passion, I believe, is the missing link in our conversation about loneliness.

In 2000, social scientist Robert Putnam published Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community, concluding that society was fracturing as people became more isolated. Years later, Putnam says the problem has only worsened. His solution? He argues that to save our society and ourselves, it is our duty as citizens to join clubs and communities.

In a recent interview with The New York Times, Putnam emphasized that the club itself doesn’t matter—it could be a running club, a pinochle group (a card game), or, his favorite, a bowling league. By joining a club, we can connect with others and stop feeling so alone.

There is clear value in all social connection, especially for the increasing number of people who live alone, work from home, and lack frequent human interactions. This was hammered into us during the Covid pandemic—even seemingly minor interactions with the barista at our local café or the grocery store clerk help us feel more connected to humanity. As someone who lives and works alone, I know how true this is. There’s a reason I write at coffee shops. My cat and dog are great company, but I need the buzz of people around me to help remind me that I’m part of a bigger world.

But while Putnam’s advice is a great start, it doesn’t go far enough. Take bowling, for example—I hate it. Whenever I’m coerced into going with a group trying to do a “fun activity” in order to bond, I end up agitated because I find the entire experience annoying. If I were forced to join a bowling club, it would only add misery to my life, and I would likely find any excuse possible to stop going.

For true well-being and life satisfaction—or as psychologists call it, flourishing—it’s not enough to join just any club. We need to join a community centered around something we’re passionate about.

So why do passions spur particularly tight knit communities, acting as an antidote to loneliness in our ever-increasing lonely world?

First, there’s the collective learning they incite. In my conversations with passionate people and research into the nature of passion, I’ve observed that the types of passions that create the deepest, most lasting bonds are the ones where participants are learning and growing together.

In jiu-jitsu, for example, a sport I took up two years ago while searching for something to put my heart into, I found much more than personal growth. While I started with the goal of learning something new and growing as an athlete and person, the shared growth with others has been an unexpected joy that keeps me even more motivated to keep training. Each time I step onto the mat, surrounded by others who are as excited to nerd out about our unique sport as I am, I’m filled with awe. It’s gratifying to witness not just my own progress, but the growth of my teammates as well. I’ve come to care deeply about these people with whom I spend hours of my day. 

Second, being around other passionate people helps stoke our passion. It’s natural for our interests in our passions to ebb and flow. We may feel inspired and energized at times, and at other times, we may lose motivation. If it weren’t for other enthusiastic people who share our passions, we might consider giving them up during those down times. Being around other people with similar interests is a major reason many people stay inspired in their journey. Passion is infectious.

Third and finally, there's the shared sense of purpose that many passions incite. For instance, jiu-jitsu brings me joy not just because of my own improvement, but because it gives me a chance to teach and help inspire others on a similar journey. Gail Alexander lights up when she talks about the gathering of energy she’s witnessed over the years through her collective vision to build a dragon boat team in Ridgefield, Washington: “To see it come together with opportunities for people, connection, purpose, and just that collective spirit of people… it’s been so thrilling,” she says.

Engaging in a passion alongside others who are equally dedicated creates a shared mission and collective goal, which strengthens bonds and makes the entire experience more meaningful. This shared purpose not only fuels our individual passion—but also fosters a deep sense of belonging and community, filling a need many of us didn’t consciously realize we were lacking when we started.

This is why I believe that it’s not enough to just come together over cards—or bad pizza at a bowling alley. Because when we combine something that lights us up with the presence of others who share that interest, something special happens. This shared passion creates a unique bond, fostering a sense of belonging and mutual support that goes beyond the individual benefits of the activity itself. It's this community, the connections and relationships built through shared passions, that keep people engaged and devoted over the long term—not just to the passion, but to the people involved.

“Human connection is vital to our well-being, just like food and water,” Dr. Murthy says.

The question then is how we choose to feed our souls. For me, at least, I’d choose the restaurants that serve up the most nourishing meals: those filled with passion and people to share it with.

---

---