The Easiest Way to Make Friends as an Adult
Find Something You Love — And Do it With Other People
“I’ve found somebody just like me. I thought I was the only one of them.” — Tigger
One thing I never imagined as a kid: just how hard it would be to make friends as an adult.
I used to think the friends I had growing up would be the friends I’d have for life. And a few still are. But most of us drifted — as people do. We get busy, we have kids, we move, our priorities change. We lose touch.
The problem isn’t that we’ve stopped caring about friendship. It’s that the natural structures that once sustained it have quietly disappeared. Fewer of us go to church. We rarely know our neighbors. Remote work keeps us home, our days swallowed by screens and to-do lists. Without shared spaces or common goals, we simply have fewer chances to bump into people who might become friends. No classrooms. No playgrounds. No built-in community.
And so, many of us find ourselves wondering where — or how — to meet people again. We become lonely. And we don’t know what to do about it.
Loneliness has a price. According to the World Health Organization, roughly one in six people worldwide are lonely, a figure linked to nearly a million premature deaths each year. In the U.S., the Surgeon General has declared loneliness an epidemic, comparing chronic disconnection to smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. It’s bad for the body, worse for the mind, and quietly contagious: when our social circles shrink, our sense of possibility does too.
But there’s a way out — one that doesn’t involve forcing awkward small talk at networking events or downloading “friendship apps.” It’s simpler — and a lot more fun.
Pursue a passion.
Do something you’re genuinely curious about, and do it around other people. The friendships will come.
My friend Martin Dasko, a writer and self-described experimenter, is living proof that friendship doesn’t end with adulthood — it just needs new entry points.
In his twenties, Martin did everything “right.” He went to a good university, worked full-time, saved money, invested. “I did everything right in that sense,” he told me, “but then I realized I wasn’t really doing anything fun. I had no hobbies or interests. I just worked.”
Then it hit him: “What was the point of money if you have no life, no stories, nothing that gets you excited?”
At first, he waited for his friends to join him. But most gave excuses — too tired, too set in their ways, too scared of getting injured. Eventually, he stopped waiting. “If you want to do something,” he told me, “you have to do it alone first. Don’t wait for anybody to join you.”
So he started experimenting with things he’d always been curious about. First, pro wrestling (he jumped straight into the deep end). Then jiu-jitsu, kickboxing, half-marathons, Spartan races. Not everything stuck, but some did — and that was the point. Passion takes trial and error. You find what lights you up by being willing to look.
Soon, he didn’t just have new activities — he had a new community. “All my friends now are people I met through pro wrestling, soccer, jiu-jitsu,” he said. “We hang out, we go to each other’s weddings.”
These days, his week is a map of connection: jiu-jitsu on Mondays, yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays, pickleball midweek, soccer on Fridays, and some mix of the three on weekends. He estimates he spends around 20 hours a week doing things he loves — and doing them with people. He’s become a natural ringleader: every time I go online, I see him posting about something fun or challenging he did with friends (often involving ice baths, which I refuse to call fun).
He’s learned that structure helps friendships stick. “If someone signs up and pays a hundred bucks to be on a team, they’re gonna show up every Friday,” he said, laughing. “So now we all hang out every Friday, no matter what.”
Like me, Martin is drawn to active passions — he likes to weave health and fitness into almost everything he does. But for both of us, sports, especially as adults, are about far more than staying in shape. They’re our built-in excuse to see friends — a reason to show up, laugh, sweat, and stay connected.
Still, Martin agrees that passions don’t need to be fitness-based to spark connection. They can be anything that pulls you in. Take a pottery class, join a band, try stand-up comedy — anything that sparks curiosity
The key is following what genuinely interests you. That part matters. From both research and experience, I’ve learned that what you choose shapes the friendships you form. If you hate bowling (like I do), joining a bowling league isn’t going to lead to your next best friend. And passions that are too simple — something you can “master” in an hour — rarely create lasting bonds.
The friendships that endure tend to grow out of pursuits that are challenging, layered, and require you to keep learning. Challenge bonds people, fast. The shared effort, struggle, and growth turn strangers into teammates and acquaintances into friends.
As Martin put it: “I’ve never done something tough with somebody and not gotten closer to them.”
If you’re not sure what you’re passionate about yet, start small. Go back to what lit you up as a kid, or simply look around. What’s nearby and easy to access often matters more than you think — convenience is an underrated gateway to consistency. (You can also try my Passion Discovery Checklist to help narrow it down.)
The best part of friendships built through shared passions — especially for us introverts — is that you skip the small talk. Unlike at a neighborhood mixer where everyone’s straining to make conversation, passion-based friendships come with built-in topics. You’ll always have something to talk about.
Martin’s life is proof of it. After jiu-jitsu class, his friends send voice notes replaying moves from the day’s sparring or share videos of a new technique they want to try. In his pickleball group, it’s the same — people trade clips, inside jokes, strategy tips. It becomes a natural excuse to talk and stay in touch. You share ideas, share progress, share excitement.
The cycle of passion and friendship feed each other. “Nothing beats being around passionate people,” Martin told me. “That gives me energy. And you’ve got to do more things that give you more energy.”
He’s right. Passion gives us energy — but it also gives us people. And in a world that can feel increasingly disconnected, that might be the most life-giving thing of all.
That’s powerful beyond measure, Ms. Stryker! I love your tremendous and fantastic article! I fully and wholeheartedly agree with you that passion gives purpose, provides understanding, and includes people! Guess what? My purpose of becoming a Poet, Writer, and Positive Psychology Coach has allowed me and included me in getting to know people here on Substack, and I have found someone special because of it at the same time. ☺️😊😀🥰